okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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