your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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