If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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