dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
We talked him into tasing himself.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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