he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
