so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
