You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize