I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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