You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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