Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
