We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
