Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
