if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
