So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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