Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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