How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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