from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
All the doctor said was why
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
