Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
