Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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