atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
