Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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