I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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