My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
