I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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