Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
