She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
They have beer where we have blood.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
