He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize