Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
where are you?
Hypothermia
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
