i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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