My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
