I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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