***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
