I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
