I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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