At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
As shirtless as possible
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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