i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
