tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I forgot how hot balto sounded
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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