Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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