How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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