Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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