My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
this is an emotional support booty call
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
