dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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