Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
