i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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