i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize