ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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