whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
