It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
