just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
