3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
