Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
