Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
