I think I died a long time ago.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
