I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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