I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
