You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
