this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
