I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
And then my night got REAL pukey
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize