I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
