Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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