Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
