then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
